My love

Starts of post - 22.05.2016 (10.55pm)

It has been more than a year since my 1st post. And here I am...

Originally, this blog was created to mark every success I achieve in my life.. by that, it means happy things happen in my life.
But tonight, I am here for sad things. I guess I want a place whereby I can type something, somewhere I can pour every words in my heart that I can't say or express and hoping she may found out about this someday.

This is about my love life, me with the person I love.
We started together since 30th April 2012, so we are being together for more than 4 years already.

We've never chase each other, it happened just so suddenly and in the end we've decided we are in love with each other very much.
It was very beautiful, very memorable, very unforgettable. The feeling cant be described with any word, it was just full of love.

I admit I doubted at first but I never felt being so much loved by a person before and it was really amazing.
She was very caring, every act , every word, every thought was only about me and our love.
We really cared for each other, we are inseparable and if the environment permit, we would definitely choose to always stick to each other.
We were like already a husband and wife whenever we were together
We lived only in a world that's only about she and me. It is only us....

Life does always comes with responsibilities.
She has her families and I have my works. She chose to go back to her own hometown to work since her parents miss her so much after coming here to study for years.
I reluctant at first but I respect her decision and I have my own responsibilities too. It wasnt an easy decision, mind you.
Distance - one of my biggest fear for us being together. It fades one's feeling, change things and it encourage all types of negative things that could happen between a lover.

However, it didnt... at least not at first.
Our love grew stronger. We made promises that strengthen what's belong to both of us, love.
We tried so hard pulling each other together, making the distance never an obstacle. Whenever there is a chance, we make plans after plans just for us to meet.
Missing each other enhanced our desire to see each together even more than ever.
Even with her busy works, she took fake MCs' just to come to find me...
I never say how much her actions had touched my heart.

It was her actions, her words that gave me faith in our love. She kept on assure me that I am the only one and I know my stupidest weaknesses is my jealousy but she always manage to me in check.
It was her innocence, which made me feel, she is the one who I have to protect with all my might.
It was her, who gave me something warm and something that I know I shouldnt let go no matter what happen.
It was her faith, who makes me wanna believe and made me feel she is always safe in my heart.
It was her love and care who makes me feel I can tell her everything and anything.
It was her company, her being beside me, her hands who hold mine, her messages, her face, voice, hugs, her everything that made me feel being alone is never loneliness.
It was her who keep on strengthening our love and made me wanna love her forever.
I love her, and I have love her a hundred times back more than she love me.

I know I have to do something, something which is able for me to touch her heart as well.
Something to let her know that I want to love her more than anyone, even more than she love me.
That I am always there for her whenever she need me. That I am willing to put everything for her.
But I am too dumb to express my feeling and I always wonder if she know how I feel about her.

I guess I am too drunk in her love and I may've taken it for granted a little too much.
2 year passed, our love still as strong as ever, our meeting may have reduced but we never give up on any chance we have.
But not again in the 3rd year....things changed.

My biggest fear has finally come in between our love..
As I said, I could feel changes, fading, but suprisingly, it is hers.
Plans starting never about us meeting anymore. Even worse, it doesnt even involve me anymore..
She stops telling me everything about her anymore.
Our meetings are significantly reduced.
Our fights and quarrels increased.
Our conversations decreased.
Our discussion always ended with ignorance.
Our promises broke....we stopped being transparent to each other anymore. Reason? "Scare to hurt each other" and therefore, our trusts reduced.

It happened so suddenly, without a warning, without a sign, without me knowing the reason.
I kept on try and try, trying to mend things, trying make us like before, trying to make her love me like before.
But I dont even know what changed her. What should I do?

I was so helpless, lonely and being kept hanging at the edge of the cliff waiting for her to look at me again.
I wonder if I've made something that changed her.
I guess that's the reason I never liked her friends. I dont even know it is jealously or envy or even sad for her being with her friends.
I couldn't even see her if I wanted to and yet her friends, be it male or female able to be with her however or whenever they wanted to.
Heck, I couldnt even make an appointment with her, the so-called her boyfriend.

When it comes to the worst, I gambled our love. We fought.
I was in terrible mood, unsound mind, and a heart that misses someone so much.
I told her how much I've suffered, how badly I want her to love me like before. Thn, I suggest an end of our 4 years relationship
I know it was never my intention. I was just hoping she may say she will want me to stay, I am not expecting changes but I want her to promise me that she will try her very best. With actions.
I regretted it.
She actually... accepted.

My heart broke into pieces, my thought went blank, my world went dark, I lost my goals in life, I am seriously hurt..
I hate myself for bringing the topic up and I truly regretted it.
IF I could turn back time, I would surely give myself a slap in the face to even think about it.

Those days all I could think about is a future for not having her anymore.
Our promises to each others in pasts, our words, our meetings, our hugs, our every love shown to each other.
Just how could she accepted it ...

It have been at least a year since I called her through phone just to talk.
Initially it was supposed to be the last call between us.. just for me to ensure that she really wants our relationship to end.
For her tell me directly with her voice that she wants to end this , that she doesnt love me anymore. Not through messages.
It was a call that if possible, I never want to hang up. No one knows how much I really missed her voice.

She said she still love me. But hates herself for hurting me. Letting me go would be the best option.
I have to admit I do feel hurt knowing these.
I made her feel it hurts to love me.
I made her feel letting our love end is the option that she have to choose.

I just want her to know I never want to let her go. IF I do, I know I will lose her forever.
I just want her to know, we being together was the happiest thing even happened in my life.  I am greedy, I want to experience it again.
I just want her to know, I really missed her so much. I am too ego, I want her to show desire for wanting to see me again but in fact, I am the one who want to see her the most.
I just want her to know, my heart can never contain more than a person, this is one of the promise we made and I still keep it.
I just want her to know, I really love her. I admit I am easily jealous whenever she is near with any guy, but that's mean I really dont wanna lose her.
I just want her to know, my world is all about she and me together. Be it in the past, present or future.

I really miss her...would you miss me like I do? Love me wholeheartedly and I would love you a thousand times more back. This I promises I would.


Ends of post - 23.05.2016 (12.41am)

The hero of my own life...

I wrote a blog once. It wasn't a happy ending.
In fact, it was a happy starting but it got miserable on the way through and abandoned in the end. And , here I go, another new blog. Cross my finger that this is going to be a good one.
At least not as miserable as the one before.

Ive been wondering, like why? After such a long time, why do I start to write again?
Well, I havent found an exact answer yet. But I do figure out some probable answer.

First of all, these days I have done a lot thinking about my own life.
I'm 27 this year, I am not qualify to be in 'old' category yet but definitely not young anymore.
Being living on this earth for 27 years, I have seen and experienced quite lots of things.
No, I dont have an interesting life nor an adventurous life. Im talking about achievements.
Most of the people in my life achieved something in their life. A good career, a life of their dream and some even got married and got a family of their own.
As for me, I could say that I have not achieve anything that I can be proud of..just yet.
If life is a marathon, I am definetely the one who is far way behind the run.
So, I was thinking, why not? My life maybe not be interesting, but maybe, just maybe I could found some memories that's worth looking back at 10 years later and called it an 'achievement of my life' as well.
And this blog may serve its purpose as a 'note book' of my life as I noted down every single happy memories that's worth remembering for.

As for the second reason, I dont have many friends.
Yea, I am not a sociable person.
However, I do have some good childhood friends but they are currently far away from me :(.
And yes, I do have great and friendly colleagues as I am working far away from my home town.
But no matter how nice they are, they have their own life, their own families too.
Since the day I came to this city, I ve been living all by myself, alone in a room and now, in a house.
Yeap, I'm lonely. And I get lonelier when I heard a news that my recent known colleagues are all planning to resign from work soon.
I understand that friends come and go. But I just couldn't handle any separation with people in my life.
Especially good friends I got so hard to know with.
I have no intention in stopping them from going as I know I have no rights in interfering them from achieving something for their life.
As they are leaving my life, I think this blog is the only place where I can 'pour' all my thoughts like I a diary of my life.

For the last reason, it is quite simple.
I AM BORED AND MY EXAM IS NEAR!!!
I am stressed and not having any motivation to study at all.
Like how people said, whenever it comes to study, looking at the blank wall can be so much more interesting. LOL!
Let's just hope that this blog isnt just temporary for me to quench my boredom.

Oh well, thats all for the reasons why I started this blog.
Ive been saying to myself that hopefully this blog isnt going to be like the prior one with dominance of sad posts. But I am almost never good in self discipline.
That explained why I am here instead of studying right now.

Some posts may not be worth remembering for, but it's still part of my life. As the time went pass days by days, years by years, as long as I never stop writing in this blog, it is going be my hero for noting every precious moment of my life.
And hopefully, I will become a hero of my own life by never stop believing that someday, I can achieve something I can be truly proud of.
I maybe way behind in the run, but with all the trips and falls, as long as I never stop running, my very own throphy will be there for me to grab. Cheers..